I’m sitting here in my bathtub looking at what a week ago made me so angry, today makes me laugh. See, a week ago me and the kids came home from my parents pulling a trailer with a lawn mower and a gallon of red oil based paint in it. It just happened that the paint turned over and spilled.
My 5 and 3 just thought that was the coolest thing to play in while I was in the house unpacking all our stuff. There was red paint all over them. More of the paint on them than in the trailer. I was seeing red beyond the paint. Had them come in and take a bath which left my tub red. Not bad but red.
The next day, the same two girls sneak outside and play again. This time more red gets on them. They decide to wash the baby boys white blonde hair in it. I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t even speak. I text Mr so see if he knew what to do, he asked his mom (professional painter) and we only come up with WD40. I run through the house pulling stuff out with no avail. Ran to the bathroom and saw my coconut oil that I use for my hair. I get a chuck of it and started slathering it all in his hair. Guess what?! The paint turned to water!!! It took it off his severe eczema rashed skin too without irritating it more he is flared due to the trip. (Thank you LouAna) I tested it on the tub and it wiped the paint right out. (So if you ever need to remove oil based paint easily and quickly, reach for the pure coconut oil.)
Back to sitting in the tub. I see this red paint that is still everywhere and I think how funny it was that I was so angry and upset. These are little moments that are funny. They happen all the time but the funny part is always seen after the fact. You know what, paint can be cleaned up. I’m not so sure now that I really want it all cleaned…
Today I was faced with the first of many heartbreaks that will roll through my children’s life. Sparing details, my oldest lost her best friend without reason. Neither child wanted the friendship to end. It was me and the other parent that called it quits. It’s a decision I’m perfectly fine with but seeing the pain and hurt in my daughter’s face is killing me.
At 8 years old, I know this pain is small and won’t last long but it’s pain all the same. All the explaining of how I’m looking out for her and her siblings, keeping them safe how I see fit, it means nothing to her. I understand that, I really do. Only being here and ensuring that I’m always going to be here for her is the only comfort she seems to be ok with. The pain she is feeling is mirrored in me. I ache for her. I feel her emptiness. I feel her unanswered questions tumbling around in her head. She doesn’t understand what happened and honestly I don’t either. We are both left with a hole in our hearts. Her for the loss of her longest friend and me for the loss of friendship and the pain I see in her face.
I know this is minor and it’s only the beginning of life for her but I want to be angry. I want to shake the person at the root of this. I want to hurt those (including me) that has caused this pain. I have all these emotions that are good and bad. I just want to make it better. Hurt me, damage me, destroy me if it means my children will never have their heart’s hurt.
Yes I know this isn’t something that is possible but I wish it was. I know it’s a bump in her road and there will be plenty of bumps, curves, detours and wrecks in the road map that’s been given to each of us. How we handle each of these is what makes our character. I just hope that I can mold them enough that when these things happen, they can be the better person and keep moving. Taking with them the memories and throwing out the trash. Remaining good at heart.
My family is my life. I know there is ups and downs. I only hope that they have more ups and can work through the downs. If I could take the pain, I would. Since I can’t, I hope to be able to comfort.
I look at my children and wonder where time went. My oldest will be 8 soon and my youngest is trying hard to crawl. I can’t remember all of the pieces of their lives because of pain but I’m fully aware now. I get caught up in stupid things like TV and social media. I worry about non-important stuff when my kids are right in front of me growing up. I remind myself that they are only mine for a moment. In this very moment, my child is learning something either with me or without me. I see these kids as self thriving little people but they aren’t. They still depend on me. I have to stop and see them for the small children they are. This moment is all we have. In the next second, it’s history and I can’t get that back. This moment could be a good memory or a bad memory. You can decide which 99% of the time if you just take a moment to realize the impact. My children want more moments, they need more moment with just me. I’m going to be that mommy. I’m going to live for that moment with my children. I’m going to seize the small, tiny moment and make it special. Not only for them but for me too. I love my children more than life and would do anything to make them happy, sustainable people in this world. I may be giving up something I enjoy and my way of disconnecting but I think once I see the moments in clear details, I will no longer want to disconnect. I will engage in these tiny moments because they are gone so fast and one they are gone, that’s it. No do-overs. Take a second and look in your yard. You see a rock? My kids see a beautiful stone that has mystical powers and can build tall castles and defend them from evil sorcerers. All I see is a rock. I want to see the magic like they do. It’s all in the moment. Do I want to take that moment to see the mystical stone or just keep blowing off the rock?
I’m taking the moment…
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection,or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
Ok, did you see anywhere in there where it mentioned objects? Love is focused on people not objects. Makes you think, doesn’t it? I never thought about how much I slung the word around. I abused the meaning and made it numb.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I will no longer love worldly things. I love what matters most. My family…
Yep, you read that right. Growing up, I wanted to have 12 kids. I don’t know why 12 was my number but thats what I wanted.
I grew up with the best of both worlds. I was my mama’s baby and my daddy’s only. My mom had 3 other kids from a first marriage. The youngest being about 14 years older than me and I have two nephews that are 2 years older than I am.
I guess you could say I grew up alone really. I lived in the country with lots of wooded land all around. I played for hours with my “friends”. Sometimes when I got into trouble, my “friends” had to be punished too. I always wanted a sister or brother that would play with me, fight with me and take up for me. I really didn’t know how to interact with others because I was so alone growing up.
I decided really young I was going to have lots of kids. They would never be alone and they would always have each other. I didn’t think 12 was such a bad number. You would always have someone to teach the younger and they always be close.
The more I think about it, the better that sounds but who is going to keep me sane trying to keep up with all of them. I love the idea of a big huge family but right now, at almost 37, I think four is perfect. We are still much bigger than most families we know. There is 3 years between Random Girl and Monkey. Then 19 months between Monkey and Punkydoodles. And 2.5 years between Punkydoodles and Trei. Their ages are close but not too close and I will most likey be the oldest mom in the bunch. I think I’m good with that. At least my husband is several years younger and he can help keep up with them.
I still think having 12 kids would be awesome but really, why do I want all that drama?
Have you ever walked into a room and say “who made this mess?” And the response is always “NOT ME!!!” Yeah, me too. The thing is “not me” has a sister. Yep you guessed it…”she did it” and a brother “wasn’t my fault” and don’t forget the crazy red headed stepchild “I don’t know”. These phrases come out of my children’s mouth like second nature. I just don’t get it, why? When these things are said, they know everybody gets in trouble. (The middle child does try to throw blame at the baby and she usually accepts it too). It becomes funny in a way, when you are watching quietly or they are caught red handed. They still try the “not me”.
So my question lately when they say this is “who is not me?” The girls stop and stare at each other and of course, huh? comes out. Then they ask me the same question. I tell them that “I don’t know who this “Not Me” person is but when I find them, they are in a heap of trouble.” They usually giggle then start fixing whatever the problem was to start with.
I think I’m going to design me a wanted poster to put up on the fridge and in their room to remind them that the “NOT ME” Family is not wanted here and to move on. That way everybody doesn’t get in trouble and we can live happily ever after…
My husband wrote a blog recently and I was in a conversation on Twitter about the same time on the subject of vaccines. Just to go ahead and throw it out there, our children don’t have vaccines and they will not get them until they are adults, then that would be their wish to do so. I am very adamant about their health and well-being. I love my children more than words could ever describe. So wouldn’t it make sense that we would do everything in our power to protect them? We feel we are. See, at the age of 15 months our oldest child got sick from daycare. It started out as a cold, then became an upper respiratory infection, then bronchitis, then it became pneumonia. Our beautiful little girl was so sick. During all this, she had developed an ear infection and several types of yeast infections because of all of the antibiotics. By the time she turned 2, she was much better and hadn’t had any infections in a couple of months. So the responsible parents we were, we took her in to get her vaccines caught up. She had been so sick that we had to put her routine vaccines on hold till she was better. Her first set of shots was the MMR (measles, mumps and rubella). That was a Friday and she began her fever right away around 101-102. We just assumed it was going to wear off and decided to spend the weekend at the beach with my husband’s family. By Saturday afternoon, her fever had not changed at all and we were out of Tylenol. My husband decided to go down the street to a grocery store for some more. When he came back, K1 had her feet under my shirt on my ribs (she was so hot). He asked was she ok. I had not actually looked at her, but she wasn’t whining and complaining, so I had said I think so. That’s when things completely changed and not for the better. My husband scooped her up into his arms yelling at me to call 911. His mom began mouth-to-mouth. K1 was a dark purple/blue color and foam was coming from her mouth. She was completely non-responsive. When the paramedics got there, she was conscious but lethargic. Her temp was 106.5 when they took it. They put her in the ambulance and we took off the hospital. When we got there, she was a rush patient. We went straight in and the nurses and doctors started poking and prodding her. Her temp was 105.1 at that time. They ran every test imaginable. The only thing they came up with was febrile seizure, which is caused by a fever. This was the same fever she had since her vaccine. The fever started within 30 minutes of the shot and it never was less than 101. One doctor was asking about recent activities and we included the vaccine. He told us then that was more than likely the cause of this seizure.
From there, we started do lots of research on seizures and on vaccines. The two was mentioned a lot together. A LOT. We were lucky, the seizure that K1 had doesn’t cause damage, many times, the seizures from the vaccine does. While doing the research, we discovered that vaccines contain such things as mercury and embryos. Neither of which, I really want to put in my child. We decided at that time we were going to postpone vaccines for a while till we could get as many facts as we could find. I learned that vaccines, in a first world setting, is not needed. In a first world setting, you have plumping, septic/sewage, electricity, doctors, hospitals, medicines and such clean things. Before the 1950’s polio was a death sentence, there hasn’t been a confirmed true case of polio since then. What we have now, are the side effects of any of these diseases. Where do we catch them? Inside of a syringe in a vaccine. K1 had chickenpox the day after receiving her vaccine for chickenpox. In a first world setting, we are clean and getting cleaner every day. We do not live in a place where outhouses are still being used that soaks into the ground and then into the water. We do not live in a place where people have open sores that ooze with no medicine or medical treatments. Yes, I know we have homeless and underprivileged that live in these conditions, but they do have access to free clinics and medicines. Plus most were not born into these conditions and at some time have received vaccines.
With all of this being said. Do I believe vaccines are for everybody? No, I don’t. They are not for my family. Are they for your family? Maybe, I don’t know. They are a personal choice that a parent has the right to make. Unfortunately, the CDC, most doctors, schools, daycare’s want you to think your child is protected by these vaccines and that they are mandatory. They are not. They are a choice. Not a simple choice, but none the less, a choice. The state of South Carolina told us that we have to have vaccines before any of our children could enter the public school system. That is not true. Children can attend school without vaccines. You may have to provide the state with a health form, a declaration of exemption. You will have to have a reason, either medical or religious. Most cases, religious can be a simple “I don’t belive in my heart that it is ethical to inject a dormant disease into my child”.
I know this post is very controversial. Please read this and understand this is the choice my husband and I have made for the health of our children. This is the right thing for us. What you choose for your child is up to you but do know there is more to the vaccine than what you traditionally hear from your pediatrician. In the end, I hope I have helped somebody make a decsion or helped someone to look for more information. There is no reason to not know everything before putting something in your child.
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