Going After Life

Some of you know the story behind my back issues but most don’t. So I thought it was about time you heard the whole story:

On January 24, 2007 I was getting ready  for work. Running right on time to beat the downtown Greenville traffic. I went to do a final mirror check when the sunlight hit me just right to cause me to sneeze. Yes, I am one of those people who sneezes when I see bright light. When I sneezed, I fell to the floor. The pain was not like anything I could ever explain. It went from the small of my back, down my left leg into my foot. I couldn’t stand for a very long time, so it seemed. I called work and told them that I would be about 15 minutes late and worked my way up to standing. It took what seemed like forever to walk but I finally did. Not very well. My car was a souped up Mazda 6 straight drive and I had a horrible time trying to get to work but I did. That day was miserable. Tears would just soak my shirt but I stuck the day out. The next day I went to the doctor. She had me to close my eyes and told me to tell her when I felt something. I waited and waited for her to touch me or something. I never did. She had me to open my eyes and she showed me a syringe needle that she had been poking me with. I never felt a thing. I even had small drops of blood where she had poked. She was fairly certain I had ruptured a disc.

The next 4 years of my life was pure, brutal hell.

I went to a neurosurgeon that told me I needed to have surgery. He was a doctor so I believed everything he said. So I agreed to the surgery. This was one of the worst mistakes of my life. After SEVERAL weeks of waiting and x-rays, I was set with my surgery. He entered through my back and did the surgery. Find out later why I say it like that.

I don’t remember very much. I remember sleeping on the worst couch in the entire world. I remember taking Loratab and Vicodin like candy. I remember thinking if I could take enough drugs when mu family wasn’t looking, I could make all the pain go away. Found out later this is called suicidal pain and I thought these thoughts up til last year.

I walked with a very bad limp. I gained so much weight because I couldn’t get out and play with my family or do the things family’s do. I sat and watched my life pass me by and all I could do was take more pain meds and wish I could make the pain go away. The pain didn’t go away.

I went back to the same doctor that did the surgery. He told me that the pain was all in my head. Seriously, in my head. So I asked for a second opinion. Every once in a while I mention how gullible I am? This is one of those times. I let the doctor call another doctor in Greenville. I went and he looked at my medical records and x-ray’s and said “It’s all in your head, now go home and get some rest.”

Broken hearted that I was imagining my pain, I started doing things I shouldn’t. Like drinking. Lots of whiskey mostly. With my pills. Keep in mind I have a 2-year-old too. This was a vicious cycle that lasted til I found out I was pregnant with child 2. Then we moved to the beach.

With this pregnancy, I could only take Vicodin and not much else. I tried to stay off my feet and not do much of anything. By 7 months I wasn’t walking. The pain was so unbearable. I saw doctors and they couldn’t do anything til I had the baby. So I finally had child 2 and began getting opinions on my back. Of course, they would get previous doctors notes and never did any x-rays/scans. I was all in my head again.

I was so angry and in so much pain. I drank and popped the pills as often as I could. Then one day, I heard about a place in Charleston that only dealt with backs.  Southeastern Spine Institute. They looked at all my medical records and said ok. That was boring and we are going to start new. They did a exstinsive amount of MRI’s, x-ray’s and blood work. Took about a week and I was back in their office for surgery consult. The pain was real. Did you hear that? IT WAS REAL!!! I cried when I heard those words. I also found out why all the other doctors were telling me it wasn’t. The first surgeon REMOVED my disc. there was a thin sliver left but basically, vertebra on vertebra with nerves being damaged with each move I made.

I was scheduled to have a L5 bone fusion on March 27, 2009. That was the day of my 35th birthday and it was going to be the day I was fixed finally. BUT, I wasn’t.

You ever hear of the couple going to the hospital to have some major life changing thing done only to get sent home because of one little test that came up positive? Whelp, that was me. I was pregnant with child 3. The most expensive pregnancy test ever cause I did 2 pee test and still made them take a blood sample to verify. $1500 in pregnancy tests alone.

Well, that pregnancy was just like child 2 except worse. 8 weeks after she was born, I was scheduled again for surgery. I got it that time. They cut through the front of my stomach and would have to have major arteries moved so I had a vascular doctor as well. The surgery was to take 45 minutes ended up 4 hours because of the damage in there.

Once I was home, my mom that was staying with me got extremely sick and had to leave so I was on my feet a little sooner that I was supposed to but I did well. Almost a year into my 2 year recovery time, I decided that I needed to see what pain was real and what pain was from the drug dependency. And yes I say it like that even though I needed the pain meds. It was November. In 6 weeks I was completely off all pain meds. I still hurt but I was clearer about the pain and used over the counter drugs to help as much as possible.

I was a year and a half into recovery when I found out I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was so much easier that my previous 2. Not as good as my first but not bad. Other factors weighed in at the end for my stress but overall a good pregnancy.

I can say now, I am in full recovery and I feel the best I have felt in many, many years. I have missed a lot of life. Maybe why I don’t feel my age most of the time. I plan on living again and I am starting now.  I have started training for a 5k marathon. I have never ran a day in my life, but I will.

I’m going to end this long post now and hope I haven’t bored anybody to tears. I left out tons of stuff, but with so many years, I couldn’t possibly put it all in this post.

I will see you soon, as I will start blogging my living life at the largest

~Cyn~

This is the titanium plate that was put in. The circle and ball object is my belly ring, ignore that part

Me Time

Everybody has their own little quirks how they want their “me” time. I’m included. I have found a real problem in mine lately though. I have spent almost 9 years conditioning my husband that my “me” time isn’t real important. He works between 55-60 hours a week but in reality it’s more like 70+ hours a week. I don’t have personal friends here like I did back home. We have (by choice) been a one car family for a long time. I never committed to playdates with acquaintances because of transportation. Until I had our son, I did all the grocery shopping, errands, bill paying, anything that needed to be done outside the home. I don’t ever talk on the phone. If you can get me to talk on the phone, then you’ve accomplished something huge. To boil it down, I made my husband’s life outside of work as simple as possible. He never has kept the kids more than an hour unless some kind of emergency has came up. I don’t ask him to do anything to/around the house unless it’s something I just can’t do. In my own personal opinion, I don’t feel that he should have to do any of these things. He provides me and the kids a home, food, love, safety and I get to stay home to care for it all. Being a stay at home mom (sahm) is all I have ever wanted to do and he allows me to do that.
Now the part about “me” time. I have had the kids 24/7/365. Like I said before, I usually don’t ask my husband to watch the kids but since baby boy has been born, I’ve stressed a lot. I couldn’t leave my bedroom for a long time still have issues but I push through them. I can’t go grocery shopping, I panic, constantly needing to know where my kids are. To leave the house is a very minimum of an hour just to get clothes, hair and shoes. If I decide to wear makeup or actually match clothes up for everybody it’s close to 2 hours. Baby boy is clingy some days, which I can deal with unless I need to get something done. Baby girl is plain out in terrible twos heading into terrorizing threes. To say the least, I’m extremely overwhelmed and I need a break. I HATE ASKING THOUGH! If I do leave the kids with my husband, I stress so bad over them pushing his buttons and then they are in trouble, in their rooms and not allowed out. Then I feel guilty cause even as stretched as I am, I still have more patience with them than he does. I can’t say anything to my husband cause then I feel like he thinks he can’t do a good enough job and that’s not the case.
Example of what I’ve created: I have said for several days that I wanted to go to the store to pick up some stuff. The reply to the statements are, “I’ll just go cause you don’t need to be dragging around the kids everywhere” this is the assumption that I would be taking the kids but had planned not to, or “you’re taking the kid with you, right?” Again no I wasn’t and I had said already I wanted to go alone. Then yesterday I wanted to go get my hair cut, colored and styled. I asked how much could I spend and with a very crossed face he stated this really small amount and that him and the kids would wait in the car. The amount is usually what I pay for a simple trim with no tip.
I think at this point I’ve hit my bottom. We are spending ungodly amounts of money on him eating out at work cause I can’t grocery shop, I feel so guilty asking to go alone. I can’t even take a bath or shower alone cause one of the kids has to get in. I can wait til it’s very late at night but then run a risk of waking baby since he sleeps in our room.
I’ve turned into a total bitch about it too and I truly don’t mean too. I rather not say anything because I don’t want to have to ask for a break. I try so hard to control my temper when it comes to being an unfair punishment for the kids but lately I’ve been blowing up. I don’t fight, can’t stand confrontation but lately that is all I do.
I just need some “me” time. Find myself again. Grocery shopping would probably be a good start.
I know this has been a long post and it’s more of a vent post for me and I apologize. My husband is a great man and I love him more than anything. I just have conditioned him to look past “me”.
~ Before I was a wife, before I was a mother, I was just a girl looking for love, nothing about that ever changed, nothing about that ever will~