When your child hurts

Today I was faced with the first of many heartbreaks that will roll through my children’s life. Sparing details, my oldest lost her best friend without reason. Neither child wanted the friendship to end. It was me and the other parent that called it quits. It’s a decision I’m perfectly fine with but seeing the pain and hurt in my daughter’s face is killing me.

At 8 years old, I know this pain is small and won’t last long but it’s pain all the same. All the explaining of how I’m looking out for her and her siblings, keeping them safe how I see fit, it means nothing to her. I understand that, I really do. Only being here and ensuring that I’m always going to be here for her is the only comfort she seems to be ok with. The pain she is feeling is mirrored in me. I ache for her. I feel her emptiness. I feel her unanswered questions tumbling around in her head. She doesn’t understand what happened and honestly I don’t either. We are both left with a hole in our hearts. Her for the loss of her longest friend and me for the loss of friendship and the pain I see in her face.

I know this is minor and it’s only the beginning of life for her but I want to be angry. I want to shake the person at the root of this. I want to hurt those (including me) that has caused this pain. I have all these emotions that are good and bad. I just want to make it better. Hurt me, damage me, destroy me if it means my children will never have their heart’s hurt.

Yes I know this isn’t something that is possible but I wish it was. I know it’s a bump in her road and there will be plenty of bumps, curves, detours and wrecks in the road map that’s been given to each of us. How we handle each of these is what makes our character. I just hope that I can mold them enough that when these things happen, they can be the better person and keep moving. Taking with them the memories and throwing out the trash. Remaining good at heart.

My family is my life. I know there is ups and downs. I only hope that they have more ups and can work through the downs. If I could take the pain, I would. Since I can’t, I hope to be able to comfort.

It all could change

I woke up this morning to read the obituary of my childhood neighbor and friend. He was only 37, which is what I will be the next week. His family moved into the house in front of my parents when we were in second grade. His parents were having a house built just through the woods and we continued to play together after they moved. As most kids do, we grew up and grew apart but our families were still neighbors and have remained that way even now.
In high school, Brad was varsity everything. I had changed schools and lost track of most of the people in my old school. I did start reading in the paper that he had testicular cancer and remained on the varsity team. Again, over time I lost track. I signed up for Facebook about 3 years ago where I found someone posting pics of him. I found out that as an adult, he had a child and was working in town. I still never heard more than that. Til this morning.
As I am reading his obituary, my 2-year-old is sitting in my lap, sucking her thumb and nuzzling her blankie. My 3-year-old is curled up on my other side, giving me a flower that she had found. My heart starts breaking even more. I look at my babies that I do get so frustrated and tired with and think that Brad had sat in his mom’s lap once too. Maybe sucking his thumb or with his favorite blanket, just like mine are now. My 2-year-old looks at me and I kiss her cheek. She smiles so sweetly. My 3-year-old gives me her very last flower she has picked. I tell her to keep it, it’s her last one and she said she wants me to have it cause she picked it for me. My heart is swollen with love. I love these moments. I forget to appreciate them. I forget way too much. At anytime, this could all change. I hope I never see the loss of a child but I know life isn’t fair either.
Maybe one’s loss is another’s gain. I’m reminded to cherish every moment. I love my family and never want to take them for granted. Even though that is so easy to do in the hustle and bustle of life.
To the Trotter family, I send my condolences. To my family, I love you with all my heart, soul and life.