When your child hurts

Today I was faced with the first of many heartbreaks that will roll through my children’s life. Sparing details, my oldest lost her best friend without reason. Neither child wanted the friendship to end. It was me and the other parent that called it quits. It’s a decision I’m perfectly fine with but seeing the pain and hurt in my daughter’s face is killing me.

At 8 years old, I know this pain is small and won’t last long but it’s pain all the same. All the explaining of how I’m looking out for her and her siblings, keeping them safe how I see fit, it means nothing to her. I understand that, I really do. Only being here and ensuring that I’m always going to be here for her is the only comfort she seems to be ok with. The pain she is feeling is mirrored in me. I ache for her. I feel her emptiness. I feel her unanswered questions tumbling around in her head. She doesn’t understand what happened and honestly I don’t either. We are both left with a hole in our hearts. Her for the loss of her longest friend and me for the loss of friendship and the pain I see in her face.

I know this is minor and it’s only the beginning of life for her but I want to be angry. I want to shake the person at the root of this. I want to hurt those (including me) that has caused this pain. I have all these emotions that are good and bad. I just want to make it better. Hurt me, damage me, destroy me if it means my children will never have their heart’s hurt.

Yes I know this isn’t something that is possible but I wish it was. I know it’s a bump in her road and there will be plenty of bumps, curves, detours and wrecks in the road map that’s been given to each of us. How we handle each of these is what makes our character. I just hope that I can mold them enough that when these things happen, they can be the better person and keep moving. Taking with them the memories and throwing out the trash. Remaining good at heart.

My family is my life. I know there is ups and downs. I only hope that they have more ups and can work through the downs. If I could take the pain, I would. Since I can’t, I hope to be able to comfort.

Me Time

Everybody has their own little quirks how they want their “me” time. I’m included. I have found a real problem in mine lately though. I have spent almost 9 years conditioning my husband that my “me” time isn’t real important. He works between 55-60 hours a week but in reality it’s more like 70+ hours a week. I don’t have personal friends here like I did back home. We have (by choice) been a one car family for a long time. I never committed to playdates with acquaintances because of transportation. Until I had our son, I did all the grocery shopping, errands, bill paying, anything that needed to be done outside the home. I don’t ever talk on the phone. If you can get me to talk on the phone, then you’ve accomplished something huge. To boil it down, I made my husband’s life outside of work as simple as possible. He never has kept the kids more than an hour unless some kind of emergency has came up. I don’t ask him to do anything to/around the house unless it’s something I just can’t do. In my own personal opinion, I don’t feel that he should have to do any of these things. He provides me and the kids a home, food, love, safety and I get to stay home to care for it all. Being a stay at home mom (sahm) is all I have ever wanted to do and he allows me to do that.
Now the part about “me” time. I have had the kids 24/7/365. Like I said before, I usually don’t ask my husband to watch the kids but since baby boy has been born, I’ve stressed a lot. I couldn’t leave my bedroom for a long time still have issues but I push through them. I can’t go grocery shopping, I panic, constantly needing to know where my kids are. To leave the house is a very minimum of an hour just to get clothes, hair and shoes. If I decide to wear makeup or actually match clothes up for everybody it’s close to 2 hours. Baby boy is clingy some days, which I can deal with unless I need to get something done. Baby girl is plain out in terrible twos heading into terrorizing threes. To say the least, I’m extremely overwhelmed and I need a break. I HATE ASKING THOUGH! If I do leave the kids with my husband, I stress so bad over them pushing his buttons and then they are in trouble, in their rooms and not allowed out. Then I feel guilty cause even as stretched as I am, I still have more patience with them than he does. I can’t say anything to my husband cause then I feel like he thinks he can’t do a good enough job and that’s not the case.
Example of what I’ve created: I have said for several days that I wanted to go to the store to pick up some stuff. The reply to the statements are, “I’ll just go cause you don’t need to be dragging around the kids everywhere” this is the assumption that I would be taking the kids but had planned not to, or “you’re taking the kid with you, right?” Again no I wasn’t and I had said already I wanted to go alone. Then yesterday I wanted to go get my hair cut, colored and styled. I asked how much could I spend and with a very crossed face he stated this really small amount and that him and the kids would wait in the car. The amount is usually what I pay for a simple trim with no tip.
I think at this point I’ve hit my bottom. We are spending ungodly amounts of money on him eating out at work cause I can’t grocery shop, I feel so guilty asking to go alone. I can’t even take a bath or shower alone cause one of the kids has to get in. I can wait til it’s very late at night but then run a risk of waking baby since he sleeps in our room.
I’ve turned into a total bitch about it too and I truly don’t mean too. I rather not say anything because I don’t want to have to ask for a break. I try so hard to control my temper when it comes to being an unfair punishment for the kids but lately I’ve been blowing up. I don’t fight, can’t stand confrontation but lately that is all I do.
I just need some “me” time. Find myself again. Grocery shopping would probably be a good start.
I know this has been a long post and it’s more of a vent post for me and I apologize. My husband is a great man and I love him more than anything. I just have conditioned him to look past “me”.
~ Before I was a wife, before I was a mother, I was just a girl looking for love, nothing about that ever changed, nothing about that ever will~