When your child hurts

Today I was faced with the first of many heartbreaks that will roll through my children’s life. Sparing details, my oldest lost her best friend without reason. Neither child wanted the friendship to end. It was me and the other parent that called it quits. It’s a decision I’m perfectly fine with but seeing the pain and hurt in my daughter’s face is killing me.

At 8 years old, I know this pain is small and won’t last long but it’s pain all the same. All the explaining of how I’m looking out for her and her siblings, keeping them safe how I see fit, it means nothing to her. I understand that, I really do. Only being here and ensuring that I’m always going to be here for her is the only comfort she seems to be ok with. The pain she is feeling is mirrored in me. I ache for her. I feel her emptiness. I feel her unanswered questions tumbling around in her head. She doesn’t understand what happened and honestly I don’t either. We are both left with a hole in our hearts. Her for the loss of her longest friend and me for the loss of friendship and the pain I see in her face.

I know this is minor and it’s only the beginning of life for her but I want to be angry. I want to shake the person at the root of this. I want to hurt those (including me) that has caused this pain. I have all these emotions that are good and bad. I just want to make it better. Hurt me, damage me, destroy me if it means my children will never have their heart’s hurt.

Yes I know this isn’t something that is possible but I wish it was. I know it’s a bump in her road and there will be plenty of bumps, curves, detours and wrecks in the road map that’s been given to each of us. How we handle each of these is what makes our character. I just hope that I can mold them enough that when these things happen, they can be the better person and keep moving. Taking with them the memories and throwing out the trash. Remaining good at heart.

My family is my life. I know there is ups and downs. I only hope that they have more ups and can work through the downs. If I could take the pain, I would. Since I can’t, I hope to be able to comfort.

Taking The Moment

I look at my children and wonder where time went. My oldest will be 8 soon and my youngest is trying hard to crawl. I can’t remember all of the pieces of their lives because of pain but I’m fully aware now. I get caught up in stupid things like TV and social media. I worry about non-important stuff when my kids are right in front of me growing up. I remind myself that they are only mine for a moment. In this very moment, my child is learning something either with me or without me. I see these kids as self thriving little people but they aren’t. They still depend on me. I have to stop and see them for the small children they are. This moment is all we have. In the next second, it’s history and I can’t get that back. This moment could be a good memory or a bad memory. You can decide which 99% of the time if you just take a moment to realize the impact. My children want more moments, they need more moment with just me. I’m going to be that mommy. I’m going to live for that moment with my children. I’m going to seize the small, tiny moment and make it special. Not only for them but for me too. I love my children more than life and would do anything to make them happy, sustainable people in this world. I may be giving up something I enjoy and my way of disconnecting but I think once I see the moments in clear details, I will no longer want to disconnect. I will engage in these tiny moments because they are gone so fast and one they are gone, that’s it. No do-overs. Take a second and look in your yard. You see a rock? My kids see a beautiful stone that has mystical powers and can build tall castles and defend them from evil sorcerers. All I see is a rock. I want to see the magic like they do. It’s all in the moment. Do I want to take that moment to see the mystical stone or just keep blowing off the rock?
I’m taking the moment…

Do you know what you are feeding your kids?

When my oldest was between the ages of 3 and 4, she began to act out very badly. Extremely bad at times. She once, threatened me that she “would hit me with a hammer in the head until I was dead!” Our kids aren’t allowed to watch anything much more violent than Disney. I was very concerned and took her to a counselor that diagnosed her with ADHD. I researched everything I could on the subject. I understood some of the diagnosis but not with everything. My mother in law suggested that I look into The Feingold Diet. I bought his book Why Can’t My Child Behave and instantly started reading it. Within a few days, I had most of us on this diet. I was so shocked to read  about the ingrediants in most processed food. I was speachless for a while.

The diet was going great and we INSTANTLY saw a change in our oldest. She was paying attention and alert to everything around her. She was nice to be around too. I learned a lot while doing the diet. Unfortunately, we were only to stick to the diet for about 6 months due to gutting/moving into our new house, convenience and cost but the  long term effects are still visible to all those who have known us a long time. She is still an avid learner and loves sports as long as she is challenged. We will occasionally go back to the diet when we see her behavior get out of hand.

Now we are getting to what this post is really about. I am going to show you some pictures of some things I have come across the last couple of days.

This is Trisodium Phosphate. It is sold in home improvement stores in the cleaners/paint remover asiles. The Wikipedia definintion of this product is as follows: Sodium phosphate (TSP, E339) is a cleaning agent, food additive, stain remover and degreaser. Trisodium phosphate was at one time extensively used in formulations for a wide variety of consumer grade soaps and detergents, but ecological problems have largely ended that practice, at least in the western world. Substitutes are not as effective, but the raw chemical can be bought in bulk to add to underpowered detergents. TSP is still sold, and used, as a cleaning agent, but during the late 1960s in the United States,^{[citation needed]} government regulators in seventeen states determined that overuse led to a series of ecological problems.^[3] 

The next 2 pictures are taken in my house as I was about to throw some boxes away.

 

 

This is 2 major name brand cereals. Most people give these cereals to their infants that are learning to pick things up with their fingers and snack. The “KIX”s love to “CHEER”io when they learn to eat with these cereals. As you can tell, they are made by the same company and they support heath and the enviroment. Didn’t I see that TSP is NOT safe for the environment? Ok, so why are we feeding this to our children? I, probably like you, thought that these were safe, nutritional, alternative to all that sugary stuff in the fun boxes. I have held out on buying these sugary types of cereals because, well, because they are full of sugar, preservatives, colors (don’t get me started on red#40 or some of the others) and who knows what else is in “artificial flavors”.

I thought I was buying good when I bought these products because of the vitamins and minerals, they were name brand and were made by a very big company that seemed to care about the things I do. I knew that one of these products were in my Feingold diet but my publishing date is outdated now. I have a feeling this isn’t in the safe list anymore. I am very concerned about what my kids eat. Why are all of us not more concerned, I can understand that convenience is HUGE. It is here too but I do try to steer clear of obvious things, like trisodium phosphate. Maybe it’s something that you didn’t know. I didn’t know any of this til I read the Feingold Diet.

Maybe that is why I am here as Because Mama Said So.  I am here to help others understand that it’s not everything you think something is. Whatever the reason, maybe I helped one more person see the junk that is being fed to our children and passed off as a good thing.

It all could change

I woke up this morning to read the obituary of my childhood neighbor and friend. He was only 37, which is what I will be the next week. His family moved into the house in front of my parents when we were in second grade. His parents were having a house built just through the woods and we continued to play together after they moved. As most kids do, we grew up and grew apart but our families were still neighbors and have remained that way even now.
In high school, Brad was varsity everything. I had changed schools and lost track of most of the people in my old school. I did start reading in the paper that he had testicular cancer and remained on the varsity team. Again, over time I lost track. I signed up for Facebook about 3 years ago where I found someone posting pics of him. I found out that as an adult, he had a child and was working in town. I still never heard more than that. Til this morning.
As I am reading his obituary, my 2-year-old is sitting in my lap, sucking her thumb and nuzzling her blankie. My 3-year-old is curled up on my other side, giving me a flower that she had found. My heart starts breaking even more. I look at my babies that I do get so frustrated and tired with and think that Brad had sat in his mom’s lap once too. Maybe sucking his thumb or with his favorite blanket, just like mine are now. My 2-year-old looks at me and I kiss her cheek. She smiles so sweetly. My 3-year-old gives me her very last flower she has picked. I tell her to keep it, it’s her last one and she said she wants me to have it cause she picked it for me. My heart is swollen with love. I love these moments. I forget to appreciate them. I forget way too much. At anytime, this could all change. I hope I never see the loss of a child but I know life isn’t fair either.
Maybe one’s loss is another’s gain. I’m reminded to cherish every moment. I love my family and never want to take them for granted. Even though that is so easy to do in the hustle and bustle of life.
To the Trotter family, I send my condolences. To my family, I love you with all my heart, soul and life.

Because I am a mother

Because I’m a mother,

I do not get holidays off, not even Christmas

I do not get sick pay whether I’m sick, spouse is sick or a child is sick

I do not get company paid benefits

I don’t get meals where I charge it to the company

I do not receive bonuses

I do not get raises, no matter how many tasks/jobs get done

I do not get company recognition for a job well done

I do not get incentives

I do not overtime, not even for a call in the middle of the night

I do not receive any kind of special treatments

Because I’m a mother,

I get hugs and sloppy kisses

I get homemade ornaments

I get random “I love you’s”

I get to color all that I want too

I get to play with my food, choo choo

I get to be a princess

I get to be the “Great Loving Queen”

I get to stop in the middle of a busy day for a nap

I get to play with all the fun toys

I get to go on picnics

I get to make sand castles

I get to play dress up

I get to be a doctor and make it all better with a kiss

I get to watch cartoons all day

I get to sing silly songs while riding down the road

I get to have fun

And because I’m a mother, I get to watch the most important people in my life grow and become amazing people in their lives

I think what I do get from being a mother is much, much better benefits than what I don’t get. I love my life just the way it is, no matter how hectic my life can (and does) get.

 

Because I’m a mother…

If I could write a letter to me

There is a song out that is about writing a letter to himself at 17. I have a close friend that has teenagers and I have a school aged daughter. I see the struggles that they are dealing with. To them they are life changing struggles. What this person said about this other person. How relationships change from day to day, week to week and month to month if they are that lucky. I also see how my friend puts these rules in place that literally causes the teenager to rebel just to prove a point.
I want, so bad, to give these kids a “gibbs” slap up against their head. They think this moment is all there is to live for. That there is no other life outside their school/friend circles. They will have the job of their dreams, car of their dreams, house, friends, money everything they dream of. They don’t think they should have to answer to authority. They treat their parents like stepping stones. They think work is a joke and they deserve lots of money for a job of flipping burgers.
My letter to me at 14 would be about how school was fun and I met some cool people. However, most of those cool people are not in my life now. Those cool people went on to do their own life. Some made something of themselves, many did not. They thought they could have everything in life that you should work hard for but they tried to steal, cheat or lie for. Their “cool” life turned out to burn them in the end.
I would tell me that, yes, my heart would be broken several times but to dust myself off and move on. Not to wallow in pity of my broken heart or expect to try to hold on tighter to the next. Although those people made me who I am today, I wish I had known they weren’t the future for me.
I would have told myself to do better in school. To earn higher grades and acheviments. I am a stay at home mom, but I would feel better to say I had did very well. My child’s 1st grade homework is a beast compared to what I did in 3rd grade. I know if I had did well in school, I would feel better about helping with homework.
I would have told myself to live at home with my parents for a few years after high school. I would have a better understanding for money and respect.
In the end, I would tell me to stop putting myself down because I wasn’t as beautiful as some or as smart. I would tell myself that I’m not perfect and no matter how hard we try, nobody is. I would tell myself that the homecoming king is a drunk and can’t keep a job and the homecoming queen was busted for prostitution. I would ask myself to see today as today. Yesterday was in the past and in my memory to learn from. Tomorrow is another day to make it right, if I couldn’t, then it would be in the past and I can start over.
I sincerely hope I can teach my children these things. I have a feeling that they, too, will have to learn on their own, and I will be right there with them.
So what would your letter say to you?