This post is very personal and will be long. It will involve my condition that I have had since I was a teenager and certain physical ailments. I will be referring to female reproduction for this post. You are warned…
Tomorrow at 9:30 am est, I will be checking into the outpatient services at my local hospital. I will be having my tubes cut, tied and cauterised, a tubal ligation. I will also have an ablation while there, simple procedure. What I didn’t know that I was going to have to have is a D&C. You see, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS. In simple terms, I do not ovulate and I do not have periods. I can’t tell you all the things that comes with having PCOS other than what I just said, being unable to have children, having thick dark hair all over, tremendous weight gain, sugar resistance and the list goes on. I’m not here to tell you about my syndrome but about my emotional side of this.
When I was 14, I was told by my OB that I would never have any children. My body just didn’t ovulate and without that, no pregnancy. I had ALWAYS wanted kids. I was my Mom’s baby and my Daddy’s only. I wanted a big family when I got older. Doctors didn’t know why at that time why my body did or didn’t do what a female body was suppose to. It didn’t have a name back then.
As I got older, I got married and instantly wanted a family. My same doctor wouldn’t talk to me about fertility the first year I was married but after that, we began intense treatments. Nothing worked. (Thank God for unanswered prayers) My marriage was never a good one. A story for another day but after 8 years, I was never able to get pregnant.
My husband now knew of my infertility and looked past it although he wanted children as bad as I did. I had began planning on adoption after my divorce and moving forward with my current husband. Months into our relationship, I started getting really sick. I went to the doctor and I was 4 months pregnant. It was impossible but I was pregnant. Since that first positive test, I have had 3 more positives. 3 girls and a boy. We are a family of 6. The large family I have ever dreamed about.
With the brief cliff notes history behind this post I will get down to what I want to say.
I have spent my life labeled infertile. I do not have many of the normal traits that a woman has. A woman’s fertility is her right to womanhood. I did not have that right. If you’re a guy and don’t want to deal with the details, you can leave here til the next paragraph. I don’t have periods, not that I am complaining about that, but without them, you can’t have children typically. I have body hair that is thick and dark. Mostly when I was younger, not now. I had laser treatments on my face to treat that hair. I am overweight and have been most of my life. All these things add up to “not being a woman”. I felt so broken. I was not a woman in any sense of the matter. I have faced friends and family going through the rites of womanhood with fierce jealousy. I looked at beautiful women and wished so hard that I could just be a woman, fertile and beautiful.
Once I had my first “miracle” child, I felt better but not exactly woman. Doctors all said the same thing. Pregnancy once was just a hiccup and not to ever expect to get pregnant again. Then second “miracle” came along, then third and now fourth.
I am fertile
I am woman
I can bear children
Now I have made this decision to take all that away. I will be honest and tell you that I am fixing to be 38 and I feel too old to be having more children. I also feel 4 is plenty for our family. I have made the decision to take the woman out of me, in a sense of speaking. Something I have fought so long and hard for, I am giving up. It isn’t something that I could ever explain to somebody that has never faced these issues. I am mourning the loss of my fertility. I see myself as “old and dried up” cause only old people have this done. It hurts to know that I will no longer bear another child. My life is dedicated to my family in all aspects. This includes any unborn child that could have been.
My body has had its share of stress and I know in my head that this is the right decision. The only decision. But my heart is screaming in protest. It aches for things it doesn’t know anything about. My heart is so full of anger towards my head. My head is calling my heart stupid and to grow up. It is such a struggle between the two. I have no words to explain this for everybody to understand. I’m not sure anybody could ever understand this loss but me. To me this is a life loss. I don’t want to give up my fertility. I don’t want to think about the “what if’s” in the future. I’m not sure I could ever willing surrender completely to this decision no matter how much I know it’s the best decision.
I am mourning my life, my fertility, my womanhood and any unborn that may ever be. It is a selfish thought and I will be ok with that right now. I have that right. Without this surgery, several other factors with my syndrome come into play and my future health is at stake. I will not risk what I have for what could be.
This post is personal. I know it’s hard to read with understanding. It is something that I need to get out. Thank you for your patience and just considering my loss no matter how significant.